How to Discipline Stop Yelling, End Arguing within your family One Simple Step

How to Turn Anger to

Academics

We love our children; there is no doubt about that. Under no circumstance does a Parent want to hurt a child. In these situations, we are really just wanting to correct an action or idea. This is a Matter of Education Not Punishment. So why is it that in society Parents Punish when the required action is to educate? I believe this is because it’s the only way we know of. We all know the Saying “Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child”. I say “Spare the Rod, Educate the Child”. This Particular Healthy Human “Home” Habit, is one I’m very proud to say I created and Cultivated on my own.

As a father, as all fathers, I was confronted with correction and discipline of my children. Even though since the moment I realized I was Required to be a father I began seeking out resources on How to. (Parenting) Of all the options there were at that time they all seemed to condone physical discipline. And of course as a child I was subjected to physical discipline. So options were Time out, spanking, grounding, Taking of liked items, or refusing Happy and liked activities. The problem is that all of these are Negative or Punitive in Nature. As a Father wanting to raise, Teach and most of all show love to my children, I couldn’t see how Negative action could achieve the Positive goal of Raising your Child. But there weren’t any options that seemed to meet this goal of positive nourishment. So as a young father I did as my Parents Did. I quickly realized the truth in the Statement “This is going to hurt me a lot more than you”.

It was while punishing my Oldest son one night. It all started at our “Family Reading”. My New Wife and I had just merged to different families together six children in total with ages ranging from 18 months to 17 years old, our family very quickly became diverse. In an effort to Bring us close together while instructing and Educating the entire Family. (Main Goal since Day One). Anyways the Idea was that each night a different member of the family would read a book or article appropriate to that child’s reading level for one hour out loud while the rest of the family listened. After the reading our family would take turns discussing what had been read. Well as you can probably tell from the beginning of this paragraph, it was my oldest sons turn that night, and That’s Right, he didn’t want to read. So a half hour after we should all be learning and bonding together I find myself standing over a crying child that absolutely refused to read. Or at least that’s what I was thinking.

At that moment I had spanked my son and was informing him that unless he calmed down and began to read he would be “Punished” again. Punished, with that word it was as if a Lightning Bolt had struck me. I immediately asked myself. Why in the Heck do I want to  “Punish” my son? He is everything in my eyes. His every action makes me Happy and Full of Pride. I’m punishing him for being upset…. He is upset because the Man he loves and looks up to his hurting him and angered with him. Who wouldn’t be upset in that situation?

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 It always hurt my heart to Punish the children but in that moment it Broke my heart as ALL the Punishments I had dealt to him and his sister in the past welled up and I thought that I had hurt the feelings of the two people that meant the most to me. I fell to my knees and begged my son for his forgiveness, Crying  myself I hugged him  and told him I Loved him and would NEVER again take action to hurt him again. In one of the MANY proud moments I have found with this awesome little man, He hugged me back and said I sorry dad, I won’t do it again. It was then I realized that he No longer even realized what the punishment was even for.

I spent the rest of that night, trying to figure out how I could be an effective father and also keep my promise of Not Hurting my child. By this point I had already taken Parenting Classes, and made good use of my subscriptions to “Parenting”, “Highlights” ( Are GREAT for Young Parents) and many other family informative texts or programs. And still as I modeled out all the disciplinary options none of them seem to fit. By that I mean I could find a reason why each option could and would eventually lead to a punitive act.

That was it; it wasn’t a punishment I was looking for. These are my kids. Not my enemies. Why should I ever punish or exact revenge as a result of a mistake, misunderstanding, or ignorance. I mean really isn’t it my job to Teach these Things? So who is at fault if they Didn’t know, or didn’t know Why it must be?  With this realization I thought, what was the Big issue with the reading. It wasn’t the reading. In fact the only action with the reading was his refusal to do it. And that was the effect caused from his lack of understanding “Why” I wanted him to read. The real Problem was That before we could communicate this reason to him, He quickly became upset. This began a chain reaction between him and I. So what did I need to teach him that could have avoided this escalation?

Well this worked both ways, Had I taken a minute to examine what was happening, and had he been calm enough to talk to in minutes we could have achieved a much different goal. I thought back to the entire confrontation. There was a point where I Calmed myself and my voice and asked my son to Take a few Deep Breaths to Calm down. No at this point he was so upset and distraught I don’t think he even understood what I was asking. So then I Suggested that he Count to Ten, again he was so Upset he just couldn’t do it. So then I asked myself what was it that actually got through. I remembered, it was the first order I gave, “Go to Your Room”. I asked myself Why?, Why, did he get up and go to his room when told but when I suggested ways to calm himself he refused.

Thinking along this plane the picture began to become very clear. There were several reasons why, he quickly got up and went to his room but for 20minutes I could not get him to just take a deep breath. The first reason he was quick to go to the room was, an “Easy Task”. The child fearing punishment for not listening subconsciously found a way to make up by completing the simple and “Physical” task of walking to the room. Second, Knowing from previous tantrums, he knew that it was going to get worse, by getting up and walking to his room he was able to “Comply” and at the same time escape the Now Punitive environment. Third that Through Sleeping and Finding personal refuge in the Bedroom it gave in an escape from fear of punishment. Fourth, I had issued that order before the tantrum Escalated.

So what order could I issue that, would change these events in any situation. I want to teach my children to pause a moment when faced with an uncertain problem, to think through the options. I want them to learn to “Take Deep Breaths” in order to calm the mind and body in times of Fear, Anger, and/or Uncertainty. And finally teach them the power of counting down to reduce anger and increase clarity. I figured that these three principles would be very effective in any of the Family confrontations as well as skills that will carry through to adult hood. Now would you rather teach your child these Ideas, or teach them Vengeance, in that mistakes are met not just with pain but with a dichotomy between your child and the One person who should always be on their side. The choice is obvious…

The Order to issue then became obvious. Push-ups. That’s Right, Push-Ups. I know what you’re thinking. This isn’t the military. Well it doesn’t have to be to teach your children to Stop, Take breaths, count down, and think before continuing a negative action or Idea. Since you’re not Yelling, Striking, or in any other way causing your child pain or hurt, You will be less likely to make empty threats. This means once you have decided to use this method as a correction tool, you Will no longer give second chances. This is because unlike spanking or yelling, or even placing the child in timeout or the corner when you have your child do push-ups “Its Great Exercise”.

 You tell the child 10 Push-ups, firmly and point to the ground. Now whatever the issue was the child is Now Taking Deep breaths, Counting to ten, and feels removed from the agitating situation. This is even excellent with two arguing siblings. And if you issue this order in a calm manner, soon it becomes more of a slowdown button, and less of a punishment. I’ll give you an example. But first Just implement this Idea of correction. Explain it to the kids. You will very Quickly see how this simple change will stop arguments, tantrums and Yelling in General within the home. By far this is the best way to correct your child and build understanding. Now for an example of success on many levels.

 I have a VERY Hyper Son. Often times I would be engaged in a conversation when he would rush up all Excited smile from Ear to Ear, and just like that INTERUPT the conversation. Now My first response is “10” and point to the ground, after the count of ten the same little voice would say “Excuse Me Dad” “Can I ask you Something” and when I turned to say yes, or in a moment, I would look down on Excited Eyes and Huge Smile and Even More The Statement is more thorough and better delivered, which means a lot when a young child is expressing ideas.

 You see this is because His Excited Little Heart wasn’t met with anger or even disapproval; He merely had an obstacle to overcome before he got what he wanted. And from what we know from psychology, Just “overcoming” an obstacle to achieve a Goals Makes us feel Good and Builds Confidence. Or you Could just Say “I Told You NOT to Interrupt”. The Choice seems pretty Obvious at this point right? This was not the only Correction I Like or Use, However It makes the Biggest Positive Impact, Because of the Positive Psychological effects as well as Physical Benefits, and you’re teaching your child’s body a Healthy Human Habit of Random Cardio. Because the body releases endorphins (Human Reward System) when we exercise. This overtime will hard wire into their bodies that a handful of pushups can help to solve problems, but relieve stress in life. Both of these are Proven to be true.

As parents this is or job to provide our children with the knowledge and habits that will allow them to not just Survive but Thrive in this life. To that end if we do Our job as Parents effectively when our children leave out on their own they will have to Learn What Path is the One for them, instead of spending years learning the simple basics. Remember to “Raise” children is a Verb. Ask yourself The form of Discipline or As I chose ‘Correction”, How Does this ACTION DO, to Help. Anyone can point out, Acknowledge, or Blame a mistake. The Parent Must Teach to Correct.

Implement This into your family, and for You Parents that are Just Getting started you will find this Solution, will lead to a Positive and Happy Home environment.

Healthy Human Habits 

          Rob

                   Zane

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